The jokes/facts of Chuck Norris are satirical fables about the martial artist and actor Chuck Norris, who have become an internet phenomenon and, as a result, are widely used in popular culture.

Chuck Norris is a legend amongst men. What do Chuck Norris jokes mean? Find out here, and then check out the funniest Chuck Norris jokes you’ll ever see. Some of these are ridiculous.

Chuck Norris Jokes, Facts, and Sayings:

  1. The Best of Chuck Norris Jokes, Facts and Sayings!
  2. Chuck Norris doesn’t pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
  3. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Unless you’re Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.
  4. Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out… and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
  5. Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
  6. When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
  7. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
  8. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  9. Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people. Then the grenade exploded.

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Chuck Norris Jokes:

  1. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris’ first visit to Tokyo.
  2. Chuck Norris once rode a nine-foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.
  3. “Sweating bullets” is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.
  4. Chuck Norris’ sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
  5. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn’t hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  6. Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16… Seconds.
  7. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was canceled shortly after going into pre-production. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  8. When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
  9. Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition of each word is as follows – A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
  10. Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
  11. The term “Cleveland Steamer” got its name from Chuck Norris when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried in northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.
  12. Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
  13. Chuck Norris counted to infinity… Twice.
  14. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
  15. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to flush the toilet. He simply goes “Boo!” and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.

Chuck Norris Jokes Images:

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  1. Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
  2. Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
  3. When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
  4. Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
  5. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it without a single remark.
  6. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
  7. Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
  8. Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
  9. In ancient China, there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
  10. Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
  11. When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
  12. The original title for Star Wars was “Skywalker: Texas Ranger”. Starring Chuck Norris.
  13. Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for “Chuck Norris’ basement”.
  14. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
  15. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
  16. Chuck Norris doesn’t ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
  17. Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
  18. Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
  19. The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.
  20. Chuck Norris doesn’t own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

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Funny Chuck Norris Jokes:

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  1. Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.
  2. Chuck Norris needs a monkey wrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
  3. Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a roundhouse.
  4. Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And ahead.
  5. Recently, a police patrol stopped Chuck Norris when he was driving along. They got off with only a warning.
  6. Chuck Norris tried to lose weight. But Chuck Norris NEVER loses.
  7. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
  8. Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  9. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably
  10. Chuck Norris once had an arm-wrestling competition with Superman. The bet was that the loser has to then wear his underwear on top of his trousers.
  11. When Chuck Norris walks across the meadow, he doesn’t smell the flowers. The flowers smell him.
  12. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  13. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  14. Chuck Norris is responsible for China’s over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
  15. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas
  16. Chuck is able to slam a revolving door.
  17. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  18. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
  19. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
  20. The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

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Funniest Chuck Norris Jokes:

  1. Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
  2. Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
  3. Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the “Circle of Life.”
  4. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
  5. Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
  6. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
  7. If at first, you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
  8. Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in “I hope I don’t get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.”
  9. Chuck Norris’s show is called Walker: Texas Ranger because Chuck Norris doesn’t run.
  10. MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
  11. Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
  12. He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
  13. Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
  14. Chuck Norris doesn’t have blood. He is filled with magma.
  15. Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
  16. People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris…Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
  17. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
  18. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
  19. The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 miles away
  20. Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
  21. There is no Control (Ctrl) button on Chuck Norris’ computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
  22. Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
  23. There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.
  24. Earth’s emergency defense plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.
  25. Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down.
  26. Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.
  27. The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris.
  28. You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink unless you’re Chuck Norris.
  29. Scientists believe the world began with the “Big Bang”. Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a “bad case of gas”.
  30. Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
  31. Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
  32. Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
  33. Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 39 seconds.
  34. Chuck Norris makes onions cry!!!
  35. Chuck Norris visited the “virgin” islands… when he left it was renamed to the islands.
  36. Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage
  37. Chuck Norris doesn’t have hairy balls because hair does not grow on steel.
  38. Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep, he waits.
  39. If Chuck Norris is running late, time slows down. It knows better.
  40. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Chuck Norris Memes:

  1. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.
  2. Chuck Norris likes knitting sweaters… if by knitting you mean kicking and by sweaters you mean babies…
  3. Chuck Norris’ feet accounted for more damage in 2005 than both the war in Iraq and Hurricane Katrina.
  4. Chuck Norris was called to the set of the movie “Independence Day.” They needed a way to show the Statue of Liberty laying on its side. To do this, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the statue down, let it lay long enough for them to film the scene, then stared at it until it stood back up.
  5. The first time Chuck Norris ever played Counter Strike, he no-scopes headshoted a terrorist through the walls from across the map on CS_Dust 2… with a knife.
  6. Chuck Norris once sneezed on a woman at the bank and got her pregnant
  7. If you try videotaping Chuck Norris without his permission you will very quickly be filming the inside of your own ass.
  8. Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson’s face.
  9. If you’re a woman and you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.
  10. Chuck Norris once unscrambled an egg because he ordered it sunny-side up.
  11. Chuck Norris doesn’t pay taxes, taxes pay Chuck Norris.
  12. Chuck Norris’ chest hair has chest hair.
  13. At Toys “R” Us, Barbie and the Chuck Norris actions figures must be at least eight aisles apart by law. After all, it is a children’s store.
  14. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
  15. Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
  16. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
  17. If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”
  18. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  19. Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.
  20. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.